Transparently Vulnerable

Good morning overcast Friday :)

As I spend time in the shop working I often times don't listen to music.. Instead it's just the random thoughts of my ADD mind going everywhere.  Lately this week it's been nothing but mental vulnerability.  I'm not sure if that's because my projects are being completed and I feel behind or delayed in their delivery...or that I'm inundated with them and am temporarily drawn away from the real estate biz, but balancing them both together... I'm not sure.

Having the feeling of contentment has never been easy for me and I've struggled with it for years.  I can tell you the real estate business sure doesn't make that any easier.   

Years ago before this life I would go into work and I could unconsciously measure my worth, my performance with where and what I was doing.  Being self employed is much harder because I can only look to myself for where I'm headed.  And if you'd ask Chas, she'd say I'm never happy with what I've done or am doing and that I'm very hard on myself.. I definitely play with what I could do better on :)  

I know I'm working the best I can, juggling the balls I best know how to, being patient and diligent... but in the background flyers come in the mail, "buy this" "just listed" "look, look", or the stuff on FB, listed, sold, "oh the life of a realtor", "look what I just bought".. all those things sure can find their way in my head and at times it makes me feel like I'm not doing enough...

however...

The more time I spend with myself, especially during the quiet moments, I get to know what makes me - me, and what is ok.  I usually need to remind myself of what I'm doing and whom I'm doing it for... AND..know that I've chosen a beat to a different drum, a different road to take..and maybe it's a steeper slower road.. but it's my road and I know that's ok.

A buddy of mine struggles with anxiety and on the inside of his arm it says "feel the gravity".. it's a reminder to him that when things feel uncomfortable, "pay attention", "this really matters".. feel the gravity. .. and it was inspiring to me.

Now when times get a bit random in my head and I need a "stern self talk'n-to" I look down and listen to what really matters... when I look down it's like getting a loving hug from someone who matters in your life, I'm calmed down and focus on those things that really matter.

When self employment gets tough and I want nothing more than take the easy road and just go back to designing hospitals, all I need to do is look in the mirror and remind myself this isn't about me... I went into this for others, to lead others, to selflessly put what I want aside to be there and serve someone other than myself.  

To be home with my kids, close to my family, in a moments notice be able to help someone move, put a ceiling fan in, or come visit them at 830pm because they're concerned and scared .. those may be small.. but damnit, that is what keeps me going.

Lastly... it's these emails that you allow me to send to you every week.  I know I may not be banging on the door like others, but I know I reach out to those important to me every Friday.  So as cheesy as it sounds, as vulnerably transparent as this is, you motivate me. You give me a safe place to just pour my heart out and I want you to know that I do not take that for granted.

The road in life isn't always as straight as we'd like and sometimes it's darker or more complicated than we have the energy for... BUT, the sun does come out and ultimately you end up driving downhill on a fresh paved road and you're grateful you embraced the suck just a little longer because it made you a better you. :)

I know all of that was just a damn long way of saying thank you and I appreciate you.

Thank you for letting me take you on my drive.

PS... in case you were wondering, my shirt says "Grampa said have some hustle"